This morning, whilst getting onto the bus, someone pointed out how rude I was for not letting the people who had been waiting longer get on the bus first. ..
..."It's just that some people have been waiting here a long time".
I wont lie, my first feeling was not guilt or embarrassment. My first feeling was shock. This must be the second* time that someone has initiated dialog with me on public transport in 4.5 years of living in London. I was so unprepared for this early morning human interaction that the best I could muster was...
"OK".
I was caught off guard. Really, I should have apologised and let him, and the others pass me, but all I had was "OK".
For the whole journey I stared squarely at the floor. Even when multiple seats became free I didn't sit - I was undeserving. I felt so bad. I had to say something to the man who had pulled me up. I had to apologise. It would be a case of better late than never. But in order to do that I would have to:
a) disturb him (he was by now watching something on his non brand specific tablet, headphones in),
b) embarrass myself further by apologising in front of a bus load of people,
c) break the unwritten rule of not making eye contact with people on public transport**.
I spent the next 15 minutes psyching myself up to 'just walk over there, say excuse me and then sorry, easy'. By the time we got to my stop, I had not succeeded, but i could not bring myself to get off the bus with the matter unresolved. I would give myself one more stop. By the next stop I still had not managed, but luckily he was getting off here. Now was my chance. I too got off the bus and as i did i tapped his arm, and said:
"Excuse me. I am so sorry about what happened before, and thank you for saying something".
The man: "Oh sorry, its just sometimes in the morning I get a bit touchy".
Me: "No no, not at all, I wasn't thinking, but you will see, it won't happen again".
("It wont happen again"!? Erch, now he probably feels like my parent.)
He lightly touched my elbow and said, "thank you".
Balance restored.
Authors Note: Whilst I do not want to make excuses for my behaviour, even if it was in the scheme of things a minor infraction, it did make me wonder why I had behaved like this. Selfishness, on whatever scale, is not a character trait I associate with myself, so why was it so easy for me to get to the front of the queue unjustly. It crossed my mind that when I first arrived in London this would never have happened, but I think over time, as you have other people barge past you and behave badly, you start to get cynical and jaded and believe that everyone is out for themselves - at least on their morning commute. It took this for me to realise that maybe this is not true, maybe just a small proportion of people make it seem that way and whatever the case, maybe it is not worth lowering the standards you would usually hold yourself to.
Henceforth, I would rather stand, or wait for the next bus, than diminish my moral worth. Will you join me in standing?
* The first time was a very friendly chap, who I managed to assess within the first second was from out of town. Not from the accent, no, but his general cheeriness.
** In London this rule is even more strictly adhered to than the "no talking in an elevator, even with people you know" rule. The only exception is if someone else is behaving badly e.g. talking too loudly on their phone. Then, it is acceptable to raise your eyes from your paper, glance at the person opposite you who has also witnessed the same indiscretion, share a knowing look, roll your eyes before continuing reading the days events.
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